Jealousy Is Fear
by Xphila
Summary: Scully is Jealous of Diana Fowley......MSR


TITLE: Jelousy is fear 

WRITER: Xphila 

E-MAIL: xphila@xphila.freeserve.co.uk 

FEEDBACK: Submit or Serve (PLEASE???) 

DICLAIMER: The wonderous Mulder and Scully and (not so wonderous) Diana Fowley belong to Chris Carter, 1013 productions, 20th Century fox and whoever else I'm offending. No infrigement intended, I'm just borrowing them to put a little pleasure into their lives..... 

SPOILERS: Fight the Future 

RATING:PG 

KEYWORDS:ANGST MSR 

WARNINGS: DIEana FOWLey 

WRITER's NOTES: I think my Psychi hates me. It refuses to let me sleep and the only time I can write is in the early hours of the morning. WHich is my excuse for the spelling/grammar mistakes ;) 

Jealousy is Fear 

Xphila 

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Where the hell is he? Scully asked herself for the a hundredth time. Why wasn't he home? Why wasn't he answering his cell phone? 

She let herself into Mulder's apartment again. Surveiling the disarray of organised chaos around the room, she dully noted for the second time that day that he wasn't there. 

Scully was worried now. OK, it was saturday and she probably wouldn't have even noticed her wasln't around unless she had called him that morning. But where was he? What if he'd gone off on another of his spur of the moment chases into the unknown? What if somewhere there was a note which she wasn't supposed to find until he was well and truly unreachable? What if right now he had run striaght into danger. And she wasn't there. A pang of guit ran through her. What if he was hurt? 

She mentally chided herself for her feelings of guilt. It wasn't her fault Mulder didn't trust her enough to let her help him. But that wasn't it though. She new that whenever he ran into something dangerous he left her behind because he was scared of her getting hurt. He didn't care that sometimes the worst tourture was not being able to reach him. 

She took another look around the room. The computer was off. She wondered if it was worth seeing if he had left anything for her on it but decided he wouldn't have done the same trick twice. 

He could have just gone out, she reasoned. She could just be agonizing over Mudler decided to pay the Lone Gun Men a visit. She sighed and walked to the door. Taking a third look round she left, closing the door behind her. 

'The Cellular customer you are trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please try....' Scully hit the END button hard and sighed. That was unlike Mulder, the joke she'd made about schizophonic catatonia was true in a way. 

She had reached her car and sat in the driver's seat, her hands on the wheel. She looked at her watch. It was nearing 5 o clock. She'd been trying to find Mulder all day. She called his cell phone again, receiving the same message as all the other times. 

She'd give him an hour, he decided. If he hadn't turned up in that time she'd try his phone again. If he didn't answer she'd have to resort to the Lone Gun Men. She sent out another plea to Mulder to come home before settling herself to a wait, she was sure would prove fruitless. 

One hour and twelve calls to Mulder's phone later, Scully was ready to do anything for some contact with him. She checked her watch as the second hand moved round until it was exactly six o clock. She took a deep breath and started the ignition and the car roared into life. 

"Jerk," she hissed at the driver who swung into the parking space, inches from her own car. She looked up quickly, recognising the car. Then the driver. Instantly she stopped that car, getting out at almost the same time and rushing to greet her partner. 

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked, angry even in her relief. 

"I....Scully, what are you doing here?" he asked, untactfully avoiding the question. 

"Worried about you, where have you been all day, I've been trying to get hold of you since nine this morning." 

"Why?" Mulder asked, locking the car. 

"Mulder!" she shouted in exhasperation following Mulder as he walked to his apartment complex. 

"Yeah?" he said, not concentraiting on what she was saying. Scully stopped walking. 

"Fine," she yelled so he could her here. She turned and started to decend the steps. 

"Scully, wait!" came the inevitable. Mulder followed her to the car-park. "What's the matter?" 

"Mulder, I've been looking for you all day, where have you been? Why was your phone turned off? And what's the matter now? What's happened?" 

Mulder reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, carefully pressing the ON button. 

"Oh, it matter's now," Scully muttered sarcastically. "Mulder, where have you been?" she asked, not really caring now but wanting to know anyway. 

"I was...mmmm..." he trailed off and she was unable to hear him. She leaned closer. 

"What?" she asked loudly. 

"I was at Diana Fowley's," Mulder repeated clearly. Scully felt her guts turning to jelly and she felt physically sick. He was with Diana Fowley. All day. And maybe even all night. Her heart started to beat faster and it was all she could do not to cry. 

"Why," she asked quietly, thanking her voice for working but cursing it for sounding to hurt. 

"I um....I needed to see her. She said she had something to show me," his voice was low, like a child who was trying to explain why he painted the walls purple. 

"Oh," Scully muttered. 

"Scully..." 

"Mmm," she replied, finally looking at him, shocking him with the pain evident in her eyes. 

"I'm sorry...I made you worry." 

"S'ok, um, as long as you're alright." She turned as if to leave. 

"Stay," Mulder said, taking her by surprise. 

Scully turned and looked him in the eyes. "I don't think you really want me to." Scully said, there was no accusation in her voice, just resignation. 

"Scully..." he paused and drew breath, "I...I don't know what you have against Diana but..." he sighed, "I don't want it to..." he looked at her, unsure of what to say. 

"To what, Mulder?" 

Mulder shook his head. "It doesn't matter." Scully didn't press him. Intead she just stared at him intensely. 

"Can I ask you something?" Mulder didn't move and she took that as aquiesence. "Why do you trust her?" 

Mulder looked at her and thought about her question. He looked at the floor. "She loved me." 

Scully swallowed and blinked back tears, half wondering why she had less self-control that she used to. A year ago she would never have cryed in front of Mulder. Unless there was a good reason. Fowley didn't constitute a good reason. She wasn't worth it. 

Scully realised her partner was waiting for some kind of reply. 

"Loved or loves?" she whispered. 

Mulder shook his head. "Past. But She might still love me." 

Scully nodded. "She doesn't. She never did." She turned and pulled open the door of her car. "Otherwise she wouldn't have left you." 

Mulder was angry, she could tell, but he had to hear this from someone. To her surprise his voice was calm, curious even. 

"How do you know?" She started her car, ready to be able to get away as soon as what she'd said what she wanted to. 

"I'd never leave you," she said, loud enough to be certain that he had heard her. Then she closed the car door and drove away. She figured that if Mulder didn't get what she had meant then he wasn't as smart as everyone thought. She finally let the tears glazing her eyes fall to enable her to she. 

Scully frowned at herself. Why was she crying? Why did she cry so easily whenever Diana came into a conversation between her and Mulder? Why was she jealous? Why? Because she loved him. 

END OF PART 1 

PART 2 

Mulder stared at Scully's car as she steamed out of the parking lot. His mouth slightly open, shocked by what Scully had said. 

She loved him. 

He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. 

Before today he would have been sure. He would have told her loved her. He would call her right now. But today had happened and now he wasn't sure. 

The problem was Diana. He'd spent the majority of the day with her and they had talked. And it felt like the old times. He was sure he was still in love with her. Throughout the whole time he had barely given Scully a though. 

By this time Mulder was walking to his appartment complex. 

He hadn't thought of her. Every day since they met his head had been full of her. She was all he thought about. Up until Diana had come back he thought he was in love with her. Now he wasn't so sure. He and Diana went back a long way. They had a lot in common. He and Scully were at each other's throats a lot of the time. 

Mulder frowned and concentraited on fitting his key into the door. He opened it, disgarded his coat on the foor and sank into the familiar security of his couch. 

Scully. Diana. He didn't have the right to choose. He had loved Diana more than she had ever know. Yet she left him. What had Scully said? 'I'd never leave you'. He had been in love with Scully for six years. He took a deep breath. Everything was blurred, since seeing Scully he couldn't remember how he's felt when he was with Diana. Scully had erased those feelings in an argument for crying out loud. 

He loved Scully. 

He loved Diana. 

But now he wasn't so sure, replaying the day in his mind, they talked about the past. It had been. Gone. They couldn't talk about it forever. He didn't joke with Diana. Scully may not smile at his jokes but she got them. 

He stood up, deciding on what he had to do. 

He had to go and see Diana. He'd decide how he felt when he got there. He was having trouble thinking of Diana, pictures of Scully were invading his memory. Diana had told him as he left to think about it. To think about them. To tell her if there was a chance of them getting back together. 

Mulder didn't know, but the way Scully was playing on his mind he doubted that his feelings for Diana could make him hurt her. 

He'd go to Diana's. He'd look at her. He'd make up his mind. He sighed, aware that his mind was practically made up already. He remember how Scully had looked. She had been terrified something had happened to him and when he told her where he had been he was scared she would cry. But she didn't. That wasn't her. Diana might have done. 

Maybe it wasn't worth going to Diana. Maybe he should go straight to Scully and tell her he loved her. No, he had to give Diana a chance, this decision was going to affect the rest of his life, he had to follow his heart. 

Right now his heart was aching for Scully. 

END OF PART 2 

PART 3 

Diana was surprised to see him, she didn't ask him why he was there but opened her door, hoping that he was going to come back to her. At least that would put Scully out of the picture and make her job a little easier. 

Mulder stared at her, neither of them had spoken yet. Mulder shook his head slightly, he didn't feel it. He didn't feel anything. There was no tension between them, there was nothing to act on and for the first time he was noticing how much she'd aged. She was older that him by six years he remembered. 

He shook his head obviously. "Diana, I don't think...." 

"No?" Diana asked. She looked upset, and angry. "Why?" she spat, "I still love you, Fox!" 

"I'm sorry, It wouldn'tbe fair on either of us." 

"But today I thought..." 

"So did I, but I was kidding myself," he dropped his voice, he was feeling terrible for having to let her down, "It's not you. It's never been you." That was the crulest thing he'd ever said to anybody, but she needed to know, she needed to know there was no hope. 

Tears were falling from her eyes now and Mulder realised how unlike Scully she was. She opened her mouth, "Then who is?" she asked. 

Mulder shook his head, he wasn't going to bring Scully into this. He moved to the door. 

"I'm sorry, Diana, I can't." 

"Fox. Did you ever love me?" 

Mulder nodded. "Yes." 

He left. He realised there were tears in his eyes. Had he just made the biggest mistake in his life? He smiled a little. He hadn't. Scully wasn't a mistake. When he really though about it, Diana didn't make him happy. Scully did. He hoped he hadn't left it too late. He hoped Scully forgave him. 

He reached his car and was on his way to Scully when he realised that whether Scully accepted him or not, leaving Diana was something he'd needed to clarify for a long time. He really didn't love her. 

But he needed Scully to forgive him for another reason. One that wasn't connected with Diana in any way. He needed everything to be OK between them because he couldn't live without her. He was in love. And he was one hundred per cent certain. 

END OF PART 3 

By the time Mulder reached Scully's house he was angry at himself for even thinking that there had been a choice to make. If Scully knew how he'd been feeling an hour ago there would be no way she would forgive him. She could never be sure if he loved her completely. He was glad he was sure. 

He leaned on the wall next to Scully's apartment door. He had been there for at least ten minutes and still couldn't get up the courage to know. 

What if she hated him? 

What if he had misinterprated what she had said? 

What if she didn't beleive him? 

What if she didn't even listen? 

He took a deep breath. Time for the truth. 

Scully opened the door. Once again Mulder cursed himself for his indecision. She rose her eyebrows. She looked tired. Completely drained. And thoroughly beautiful. 

"What's up?" She asked, trying to sound like today had never happened. Failing miserably. 

"Hear me out?" Mulder asked quietly, he looked her over, she was wearing a sweater he was sure he recognised but didn't want to get his hopes up. It could have been her brothers. She stared at him then condesended to open the door. 

"What did you mean by 'you'd never leave me'?" he asked, as he walked in. 

"Exactly that." 

"That you'd never leave me?" 

"Yes." 

"Nothing else?" 

"What do you think?" She looked at him, expecting an answer. 

"You love me." He replied boldly, surprised at his own guts. 

Scully smiled a sad smile. 

"Well, you're obviously as smart as I give you credit for. It doesn't help though does it?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You love her. And I love you. Typical love triangle. Well, Mulder, I don't need my life complicating any more than it is right now so if you want Diana, that's fine by me." 

She hadn't been looking at him and his next responce to her by surprise. 

"I don't." 

She looked up at him and met his gaze. 

"I don't love Diana, Scully." 

"No, you do," she stressed, "Maybe you don't know you do but it's her." 

"Scully, why are you doing this to yourself? Did you never know how I felt. Have you neer realised it's always been you?" He shook his head, "I don't understand. Why don't you beleive me?" 

"OK, Mulder, why do you love me? Why are you sure it's me and not her?" 

"I went to see her." he replied simply. 

"Yes I know, you antagonzied me all day because of that." 

"No, I went back.." 

"What?" Scully interupted, "For Christ's sake Mulder? You couldn't even come here first and aologise for scaring the shit out of me? You had to go see your precious Diana first, I can't do this Mulder. Get out of my apartment." she said, her voice rising steadily. "Now." She stood and stared at him. 

"I'm not leaving." 

"Mulder, I mean it?" 

"You mean it? Like what? LIke you mean you love me? You say you love me and yet you won't listen! You won't let me let you why I went to Diana's. You won't let me tell you why I was there today. PLEASE Scully, let me explain." 

Scully crumbled under his stare and sat back down. "Fine," she sighed, "Explain." 

"She called me and told me she wanted to talk to me. I did. I went to her apartment and we talked..." 

"All day?" 

"Scully, nothing happened. We talked about the past. And it was nice." 

"I don't need to hear this Mulder, it's not helping." 

"Listen!" Mulder pleaded, "When I left she told me to think about us and asked if there was still a chance for us to get back together. I said I'd think about it. Then when I got home I saw you and I knew there was no way I could love her if I felt the way I did about you. Then you said.. what you said and I realsised that you loved me too." He looked at Scully, it was only a white lie, what he'd just said, he had realised he loved her more....just not straight away. 

"Then why didn't you come to me?" Scully asked, her face had softened and she looked more hopeful. 

"I need to make sure she was behind me. I went back to tell her there was no way, there was no possibility for us. We were the past. I can't live in the past anymore Scully. I need a future. And I need you in it." 

"How do I know? Mulder, how do I know that you're sure, how do I know that whenever she comes back you're not just going to run to her, beleive whatever she says even when it's plain she's lying. Who do I know you're over her?" 

"You have to beleive me. You have to trust me." 

"It's hard to do that when you still trust her, dispite all the evidence against her. Dispite all of what I've already proved. I've never felt like this about anyone and I've never been so jealous of anyone in my life. And I hate it." 

"Why are you jealous of her?" 

Scully thought for a second. "I'm scared of losing you to her." 

"Scully, do you rememer when I told you you were the only one I trusted?" 

"Yes." 

"I meant it then and I still mean it now. I just....we were close for a long time and it astounded me that she could betray me so I refused to believe it." 

"So do you believe me?" 

"That she's against us?" 

Scully nodded. 

"I don't know. I really don't." 

"Mulder, will you do something for me?" 

"Anything." Mulder answered without hesitation. 

"Will you at least look at the evidence without dismissing it outright?" 

Mulder nodded. "I'll look at it, I'll find out what I can about her." 

"Will you do something else for me?" 

Mulder nodded again. 

"Tell me you love me." 

Mulder smiled, "Scully I love you." 

Scully couldn't help but smile back. 

"It'll be OK won't it?" she asked, needing for Mulder to be the strong one now, needed him to reasure her. 

"Everything'll be OK now," he assured her. 

Scully smiled again, "I love you, too." 

Mulder stood and crossed the room. She stood to accept his embrace. Mulder sighed a sigh of relief and content. 

"Mulder..." Scully asked awquardly. 

"Mmm?" 

"Are you ever going kiss me?" 

Mulder pulled away from her and grinned, "I was waiting for you to ask." 

Scully's response was cut off as Mulder did as he was asked. 

However hard Diana tried, she wasn't Scully. She could never be Scully. 

FINI 

HIT THAT REPLY BUTTON NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!! PLEASE!!!! Xphila@xphila.freeserve.co.uk ~Kimi 


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